• Ohio State-Iowa recap
• A new boarding house
• And of course -- Rich Rodriguez, Charlie Weis and sideline reporters

We played not to lose. And – in the end – we didn’t lose, so the plan worked. Sitting there watching the melodrama unfold, I didn’t really feel like we were winning, either. But they said we did. It’s in all the papers.

I am sure we didn’t lose.

It was a game that we had to win to satisfy all the skeptics. Those fans who said that this team was too young or the coaching staff was too old or that we couldn’t beat the top-ten type of teams. We were playing for that higher level of satisfaction. And although we won (check it out!), I can’t say we won over a lot of the skeptics in the doing of it.

Look, I will be the first to stipulate – we are a spoiled lot with hugely out-sized expectations. But that comes from gathering ‘round a once-per-lifetime coach and from recruiting better than almost anyone else and from playing at the best venue and in front of the best fans in the world. And from having both a soft schedule and a conference at a historical low-point in quality. So, why should we not be satisfied with this win, this team and this outlook? The evidence is somewhat, well…overwhelming:

Exhibit A> We just won our fifth straight Big Ten title!
Exhibit B> We are going to our fifth straight BCS bowl game!
Exhibit C> We have an 18-2 home record now in the Big Ten!
Exhibit D> Over the same time period, we are 17-2 on the road in conference play!
Exhibit E> This team is young and with great new talent coming in!

So, overall, life is good. And some things looked great yesterday at the Shoe:

1) The weather was fabulous (mid-November, people!)

2) The fans were rocking. They were tasting it!

3) The recruits had to fall in love with the whole A++ scene.

4) It was an incredible senior night with wonderful pageantry.

But to be fair, there were a few things that didn’t look as good as we had hoped, however. Here are three that I recall:

1) The offense

2) The defense

3) Special teams.

I know – picky, picky, picky…

I don’t read all the other pundits before I write this up so I don’t know what really happened or what I am really supposed to have surmised but this is the way I felt, watching from the stands. I’ll break those three complaints down further:

Offense

1) There didn’t seem to be a plan other than to play “small ball”

2) 32 rushes by Boom? It felt like 100. And ninety of them seemed to be up the gut. And 80 of those seemed to come on first down.

3) Terrelle seemed to be playing hurt and tentative. And you would have won a big bet if you told someone he had a passing night of 14-17…

4) Adjustments? We had a plan and we kept to it until something to worked!

Defense

1) The best-damn-defense-in-the land let a “Newbie QB” look comfortable back there. A travesty!

2) OK- so we won’t scare the poor quarterback kid, let’s play sticky coverage, eh? No – let’s play loose and soft and let him have a comfort zone.

3) Were we worried about Chimdi Chekwa leaving early for the NFL? That problem is over now…

4) And adjustments? Iowa came out in the second half and owned us – looked like a whole new team. Our defense came out looking like they just wanted to go home.

Special teams

1) The punting was abysmal. The 35-yard average belies just how poorly Thoma kicked and how often those crappy punts changed the flow of the game.

2) The Iowa 99-yard kickoff return (up 14 with eleven minutes to go) was a punch in the gut. We simply don’t allow that to happen and never allow that kind of breakdown then!

3) Punt returns and kickoff returns? The only good return we had is when Iowa kicked off out of bounds (40 yards for us) and also committed a personal foul (15 more). We could still only move the ball about 30 feet, using our vaunted ten-minute offense…

4) And field goals? Devin might have missed the “icer” in regulation, but, man, he came through aces in that overtime!

So, let’s talk overtime. It all came together as the defense suddenly got after the quarterback and played possessed. Special teams came through with one swift stroke of Barclay’s leg? The offense? Don’t ask. They spent three downs trying to find the center of the field and some good sod for Devin to kick from.

Listen, I became an official Ohio State Football Nutcase back in 1973. I transferred (only for the football quarter) from one of those academic schools just to watch the Buckeyes play. I still submit that was the best Ohio State team ever (John Hicks, Randy Gradishar, Archie, Van Decree, Pete Cusick, Neal Colzie, Kurt Schumacher. Cornelius Greene, Rick Middleton…   ). The Sporting News called it one of the ten greatest college teams of all time. They won by 413-64 in eleven games (do the math…). But when it came to the Michigan game – against a clearly inferior team – Woody played not to lose. Small ball. They didn’t lose that game, either. They tied 10-10 and got to go to the Rose Bowl and had a swell season. Not a satisfying season what with all their talent and everything.

So, maybe I am biased by the experience. But at 10-10 in the third quarter, it was déjà voodoo for an aging and wizened Mr. B. Sure, the Hawkeyes have to be the luckiest football team since Knute Rockne invented karma and we could have won by 20 points or more without some of the bizarre stuff going on down there. But in my mind, I keep hearing riffs of “Satisfaction”. I have tried, and tried and tried but can’t get no…

Another song says that every rose has its thorns. We are going for the roses now and maybe we can once again look like the team that took apart Penn State just eight days ago. Roses? Thorns? We have to take care of Michigan next week or this whole satisfaction thesis will be moot! Roses and thorns? Look, I also don’t want to be a prick. So I say: Thanks for the huge effort guys. Thanks for rescuing a season on the brink. And I am singing “California Dreaming” for the first time since 1997. And I won’t let “great:” become the enemy of “good”.

Thank you Buckeyes, let’s continue to get better and let’s move on. And I look forward to ending the season on a high note.

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Other tunes, other games, other notes…Listen, when Michigan, USC and Notre Dame all get blasted on the same weekend as a big Ohio State win, we need to take a little time to wallow, preen and comment:

1) Michigan! The Wolverines warmed up for next Saturday’s big game by getting blasted in Madison, 45-24. I am surprised that Michigan moved the ball that well on the Wisconsin defense. I am not surprised that they got clobbered. They are now sharing last place in the Big Ten, have six straight conference losses, are looking at a losing record and a repeat non-appearance in a bowl game and the snake-oil that the wizard is selling up there has soured and curdled.

2) Notre Dame! They keep coming back to make the scores look respectable. But they keep losing. Every important game. It’s a program that doesn’t have a signature win since the Big Galoot got there. With games still to go with Connecticut and at Stanford, will a 7-5 season against a soft schedule placate Domer Nation? I don’t think so. And remember those experts that predicted ND would win it al this year? Here’s a little factoid: In five years at Pitt, low-key Dave Wannstedt is 34-24. In five years at Notre Dame, high maintenance Charlie Weis is now 35-25. You don’t get what you pay for…

3) USC! Oregon beat USC by 27. Stanford beat Oregon by 9. So shouldn’t Stanford beat USC by 36? And despite being 12-point dogs, they almost did! (55-21). The worst beat-down of Petey’s college career and he being a defensive genius and all. It does take a little of the shine off our early “signature loss”, though…

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The Boarding House…here we come again with warning labels and explanations!

Where five stories are blowing up and rumors are flying!

The Bucknuts beat boys bring you what they hear and see and are loathe to write about as facts. The House is a place for rumors and gossip and innuendo. We don’t treat it is if it’s “inside information”, like some people do.  Yet – you guys love to hear the good stuff. To do that, we have to:

1) Disclaim that we don’t know if any of it is true

2) Not attribute it to any particular source

3) Not attribute it to any particular reporter!

We hope it’s interesting and it’s all fairly entertaining and some of it might even turn out to be actually, well…true! So, forewarned is forearmed. Don’t write me and tell me that we shouldn’t publish rumors. We already know that!

Come back and visit the Boarding House this Thursday. We will add on five more stories…

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College coaching job security?...The secret is – shhh -  winning!

That’s right – head coaches in college have about as much job security as terrorists with bad lawyers. The coaching profession is the ultimate meritocracy – win and you keep your job. Lose and get out of town. Which brings us to the recent “worst endorsement of the year’ award, going to Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman, who in the face of all evidence (and continuing real-game losses) by Michigan’s titular leader Rich Rodriguez, stated plaintively, “I don’t think it’s fair to coaches to bring them in and say, “We’re going to give you three years”. When Tommy Amaker came in, we stuck with him for six years. It just wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t the right fit. But it wasn’t a rushed decision”.

Translation? “We know we have a loser on our hands but if we rush him out the door, it will make the school look like, well…one that wants to win.”

What has DickRod wrought in his 1.7 year tenure? For starters, the worst season in Michigan history. And the first non-appearance in a bowl game in 33 years. Then, rebellion of players and recruits and some previous players and recruits. And – also - a system that is designed not to work in the Big Ten. Well, there’s the cheating and lying and some dubious programming. And worst of all? Losing.

The Dickster created a semblance of “security” when he won his first four games this year, thereby exceeding the entire win production of the previous season and sending paroxysms of optimism throughout Wolverine Nation. False hope, my fallen brothers. With early season wins over directionally-challenged local schools – Eastern and Central Michigan – a 3-point squeaker over quality-challenged Indiana and a season-defining 4-point win over Notre Dame, the arrogance was back. Whoops – too soon! Down goes Michigan – four straight games to the likes of Michigan State, Iowa, Penn State and Illinois; real schools playing average football. Michigan then scheduled a bye-week-win over D-7 Delaware State in order to try for bowl eligibility and then losses to Purdue and Wisconsin.

It was a lot easier for Rod and His Staff when he could recruit the Pat Lazear‘s and the Noel Devine’s and their ilk. And when he could hide his program abuses in the mountains of West Virginia. Now? Even a college president, who doesn’t know whether to wind her butt or scratch her watch, knows enough to know that the watch is ticking.

And speaking of security and college presidents – is there a more unjustifiably secure employment group in the nation than – college presidents? Hired in an air of mystery, keeping their posts at the whim of trustees no one questions and leaving when they tire of the post, hey – what a job! And no head of any enterprise is, perhaps, less responsive to its constituency. In the world of colleges – that means, inevitably, college football fans; of whom, the presidents hold ultimate disdain.

So, it was with irony I noted a new study that showed the explosion of college presidents making over a million dollars a year. Where is the pay czar when we really need him? On one hand, the czar-ster punished big public companies that need to attract high-end talent, using the explanation that they live from public funds. On the other, we let a band of effete disconnected bureaucrats wreck our sensibilities (and football playoffs) and – newsflash – they get public funds, too!

OK. Job security? It’s in giving people what they want. For coaches – it is winning. For college presidents? It’s hiding out until the next lucrative gig beckons…

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Gary takes a shot…Our peripatetic photographer/staffer Gary Housteau gets photos and info that elude the average man (not to mention the average shutterbug). As an example, he has shot the complete collection of defensive tackle, John Simon; with and without his shirt! But for something infinitely more appealing, we sent Gary looking for sideline hotties during the Penn State game, in order to assist Mr. Bucknuts with my long-term thesis project.

And the Gare-master? He delivered big time:

We determined that the photo-ee in question here is sideline hottie in extremis, Melanie Collins, about whom Gary’s assistant commented objectively that “She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen – even in movies!”. Later that night - over drinks back at Gary’s place - Melanie told Gary that she was a graduate of Penn State and worked for AccuWeather before she got the gig with the Big Ten Network. She said that she had been a sideline reporter for Penn State football, basketball and baseball, and she hosted the show "Let's Talk Sports, Nittany Lion Fans” with Steve Jones.

Gary pressed on and asked Melanie what her favorite sports Big Ten sports memory was (yes, these are the kinds of questions that Gary would ask a Melanie kind of girl). She said, “Penn State vs. Ohio State 2005! It was a whiteout and Penn State won 17-10...it was so loud and the fans were so rowdy that it felt like the entire stadium was going to collapse. YouTube it. It will give you chills!” And, finally, what is her greatest athletic accomplishment? Well, would you believe: “I was the juniors' QB for our annual powder puff football game. All of the senior girls had bets going to see who could break my nose first. Well, I made it out, nose in one piece and I threw a few great TD passes.”

With John Simon “out of the picture” for another three years, we asked Gary to send us his favorite Melanie Collis snapshots. Here is Gary’s personal collection of Melanie Collins’ photos, cleverly listed under the nom de plum of “Busted Coverage”

Far from Garish, really. I wonder where we can send Gary next week…

*     *     *     *

Which got us thinking…After ruminating on The Technician’s boffo idea last week to expand the stadium, what else could we do to make your experience in the Horseshoe even better? Granted, it is already the bet place to watch a college football game in the universe, but let’s not make “good” the enemy of “great”.

While we meditated the imponderable, a fellow Bucknutter Bucknut200230 started a thread which I will now hijack in summary form. His thread – amazingly enough – was: “If you could make one change to the Horseshoe to make it perfect for fans, what would it be?”

In edited and censored form (I got enough complaints just on the hottie issue…), here’s what was said:

1) Put video boards on each of the south towers angled towards the south stands, so the fans in the south stands don't have to crane their necks to look at the big one.

2) Why is there no beer sold in the stadium?

3) Sell beer

4) I would put a huge light that beams the block O into the nights sky like the bat symbol. Then I would put a huge retractable roof that had a massive Dallas-style scoreboard that would hang down. Then I would put turrets around the whole thing to protect it. And a Moat. With a draw bridge.

5) Have a national championship caliber team play in it every year that can produce over 200yrds of offense, rather than what we have...and a better sounds system... Other than that, I have no problem making my payments in support of the stadium

6) Beer and beer and of course more bathrooms for the beer

7) Put all of the student body together and let them sit first come, first      serve like all the other schools do.

8) Elevators/escalators to C Deck

9) How about beer?

10) I want water fountains! Damn if I'll pay $4 for a bottle of water. Of course with them making money selling it, you'll never see free water again but I remember "the old days" when there was free water at the stadium.

11) Goal-line and sideline cameras every few feet looking up to verify plays (also on the goalposts) with a good cad-like program to project difficult angles for whether a FG is good or not.
Like the Bat-signal "Block O".

12) Piping routed to every seat and an electronic grid so that each seat is charged to either a credit card or bank account and a drink-of-choice can be dispensed at every seat and charged to the appropriate card.

13) Anyone ever think of selling beer in the stadium?

14) Cheerleaders (female ones) attired in Hooter girl type wear similar to NFL cheerleading squads and one for each section of the stadium, in that section.

15) D deck east side of stadium mirroring the press box and increasing the loudness- adding about 35,000 seats between the goal lines Don't even try to tell me they couldn't sell them out for most games…

I like what I have so much – I want more! Or at least more beer, it seems…

*     *     *     *

What, me worry?...I have kids and so I am naturally worried about more than just football (well, I do have my priorities but…). The biggest worry this year is swine flu, which is ironic because in the Chinese calendar, this is the Year of the Pig. So, I checked my Chinese almanac and discovered that last year was the Year of the Bird and – yes – we had an epidemic of avian flu to go through. Now I was worried. So I looked back to three years ago when it was, what: the Year of the Cow. And that was the year of mad cow disease!

I thought the worst was behind us until I researched what next year is: the Year of the Cock.

Now, I am officially worried…

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Some missing links in our evolution…We have to focus on sports here in this last segment or I will have to turn in my union card for the Faux Sportswriter Union – and waste all those dues. So, right off the bat, we thought about Michigan and how the Michigan team must feel going into the OSU game. I think this representational photo expresses it quite well.

Now here is a trivia question for you old Steeler fans: Is soccer player Elizabeth Lambert the daughter of Jack Lambert? If not by DNA, she certainly can walk the Lambert walk…

Finally, on the not-quite-so-hostile (or violent scale), we could all learn a little something from Ahmed Muhamed Dore, who is more a lover than a fighter, anyway. Ahmed is also 112 years old, which should qualify him to take a little time off and smell the roses. Instead, he is very much staying in the game by getting married again. The bride is Safia Abdulleh. That whole thing might strike you as an oddity all unto itself, but the fact that Safia is 17 years old seems to stretch the credulity factor. We got in touch with Safia’s parents who said she was "happy with her new husband" -- even though he is nearly a century her senior. Altogether, Dore has 114 children and grandchildren. For the whole sordid story, click here.

Please feel free to post (or vent or froth) in the space provided below or to send your particular comments to Mr. B directly at MrBucknuts@Yahoo.com. The fine folks at Yahoo have kept that mailbox up now for two full weeks (and counting…).